Hello, my friends,
Following this Hollywood Reporter article (and the corresponding doom spiral), I finally gave into peer pressure. Here it is, folks, my substack! I originally planned on launching this baddie a couple of years (!!) ago. What I cannot promise is consistency. What I can–goofs about bad (and sometimes... good???) TV.
Like AMC, we come to this place for magic. Magic doesn't always equate to QUALITY, and that is what this NL is all about. Loving something for exactly what it is, even if it is kinda bad, is the magic of television.
And without further blahs blah blah (Is that the plural of "blah blah blah," do you think? Or is it the ever-boring "blah blah blahs?" I hope it's the former, so the former I shall use.), I will bring you up to speed about what I'm enjoying by organizing shows into three categories. EFF award categories, they don't know what jokes are. [NOTE: Ratings (are arbitrary and) refer to current seasons! Not reflective of the show at large.]
Reality
Currently watching
Next Level Chef Season 3 (Rating: 5 out of 7 Gordon Ramseys);
Rock the Block Season 5 (Rating: 4 out of 7 en suite baths);
Traitors Australia Season 2 (Rating: 6 out of 7 solid silver bars);
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 1 (Rating: 6 out 7 diamond Barbie necklaces);
Deal or No Deal Island Season 1 (Rating: 5 out of 7 CGI yachts).
Couple to Throuple - Peacock - 1 Season
Wowee! Wowoh! Wow! This show follows the trend of high production value, sexy, beach-villa reality dating shows like Love Island and Too Hot to Handle. Thankfully, it also incorporated the glorious stink of MTV dating shows like Are You The One. It's queer, it's here, it's the most explicit dating show on TV. That's right, people!!! They said "the poly community isn't full of prudes, is it?!" and to prove it: FULL BOOBS and SEX UNDER SHEETS!! (There are so many shots of... let's say: movement under sheets... that made me audibly cringe because the sheets were COVERED in splotchy fluids. Ew!)
What makes this show so fun is that all the couples are nasty in their own unique ways. Other queer dating shows dare audiences to see queer couples as "just like any other couple." This show, instead, dares you to see that sometimes queer couples are "just as annoying and toxic and slutty as any other couple."
Highlights:
The gay couple and the queer couple become messy rivals
"You like me, right? And I'm a girl, right? So... that makes you bisexual, right?"
The jealousy fire
The framed photos
Lowlights:
Dare I say...not enough kissing??
No all-girl throuples
Didn't get to see enough of the singles
Scripted Comedy
Currently watching
Abbott Elementary Season 3 (Rating: 5 out of 7 weird vibes from Gregory);
Bob's Burgers Season 15 (Rating: 6 out of 7 sad eps);
Great North Season 4 (Rating 4 out of 7 terrible theme songs);
What We Do In The Shadows Season 2 (7 out of 7 girls who have one very small foot);
It's Always Sunny In Philidelphia Season 7 (6 out of 7 toe knives);
Spongebob Season 3 (5 out of 7 super secret formulas);
Girls 5Eva Season 3 (6 out of 7 out of 178 types of women).
Grimsburg - Fox/Hulu - 1 Season (airing)
I am very picky about the adult animated content that I'm willing to consume. At the baseline: no spit and no spaces between teeth. This new show took a couple of episodes to really hit. It is an episodic procedural-adjacent crime-parody. We follow Jon Hamm's grizzled detective as he solves crimes on behalf of a town (the titular Grimsburg) that hates him. This show works best when the episodes follow a specific tv or movie trope. Their Knives Out episode is particularly fun, and takes place in a Mansion/Train. Another stunner is their most recent episode, a summer camp horror/slasher vibe. The show hasn't completely nailed its stride, but definitely has the potential to become a fun fave.
Highlights:
Rachel Dratch as a sad boy who has a skeleton imaginary friend/hallucination
Evil teacher/ former mentor who they let solve crimes?
Character design and vibes are super fun.
Lowlights:
Some jokes don't slap, but I think they'll find their rhythm.
Scripted Not-Comedy
(Dramas, Procedurals, Dramedys, misc.)
Currently watching
Bones Season 5 (Rating: 5 out of 7 skull reconstructions);
Wynonna Earp Season 1 (Rating: 4 out of 7 confusing pilots);
Outlander Season 5 (Rating: 5 out of 7 broken needles).
Criminal Minds - CBS/Paramount+ - 16 Seasons (reboot airing)
Listen.... this show is bonkers. We're following the BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit) of the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) of the USA (United States of America). Basically, they try to profile serial killers and stuff. I'm not LOVING this show, to be honest with you. I'm a fan of procedural TV; I find the rhythm of each episode to be soothing, and it is not the type of TV I ever try to write. It provides the escape that other white ladies get from watching true crime, I guess?
But the commitment with which Criminal Minds does the exact same thing every episode...baffles me! It's a commitment unmatched by any but the very earliest crime procedurals. I mean..the exact same things happen EVERY. EPISODE. I'd be impressed if it wasn't so bizarre. Unfortunately, Criminal Minds is landing like a weird Oreo. You don't love it because it's too sweet or has pop rocks in it or something, but you bought the whole box and it's the only treat in the house.
Highlights:
I like (most of) the characters.
The suggested travel budget of the BAU.
The (very!!) occasional special episode.
Lowlights:
This is no Bones. And it’s not Elementary either.
They do this weird thing at the beginning and end of every episode where they just read a quote in V.O. without any context. IDK maybe this should be a highlight.
The sexy talk between co-workers.
My favorite character left.
The network didn't let the obvious lesbians hook up.
The audience knows who is committing the crimes, so we just...wait? until the BAU catches up and stops them (RIGHT before they kill the person we met earlier in the episode).
There ya' have it, baybee! Most letters will only feature ONE show, but I felt like you deserved a thee-fer after waiting so long. Yes, I'll talk about Bones sometime soon. Yes, I can defend the harsh Abbott rating–I just want Janine back at school, okay?! And that Janine/Gregory break-up scene was WEIRD? Are we even supposed to buy it? UGH!!
If you have a suggestion for something I should watch or just wanna talk TV, DM me on Instagram: @maggiescudder. Plus, if you haven’t yet:
omg. yes. this is such important work. THANK YOU!